It is finished.
I have finally submitted my application to study social psychology at the New School for Social Research in New York.
This is no small accomplishment, for applications of any kind fill me with a sense of dread. Usually, procrastination, the fear of failure, of wanting something so much with no way to know or guarantee that I will be successful, prevents me from ever completing or submitting such applications. A shot in the foot really, since there is definitely no way I could receive a positive outcome if there was not first the labour and risk taken on my part.
I cannot count the number of times this crippling irony has paralysed me. I remember a job, as a young adult, that seemed so perfect for me, so in line with my desire and ambition, that caused me to simultaneously experience such excitement, and such fear. I avoided looking at the application form. I knew that I had to overcome these thoughts, these whispers of “what if?” or “you could never…” but I allowed them to speak louder; the application date came and went, and needless to say, I did not get the job.
Back to the application in question. The course, the school, the city, the friends, the church….everything seems so perfect – too perfect. In fact, before going to New York, all I saw in my head was a cloud of impossibility. I visited the school while I was there, and the desire to go became even stronger. The statistical likeliness also grew in clarity – with seventy students accepted each fall, two are awarded the full scholarship that I would need. I met with a friend in the city who had also applied to the school, and he had not even been accepted. The fact that I might not be accepted hadn’t even hit me before that point, so focused I had been on the financial challenges. I need not only to be accepted in the school, but to be awarded a scholarship, and be able to maintain that scholarship through academic excellence once at the school. And with each step I took, the dream became more vivid, more real. I filled out the application, with the help and encouragement of a lecturer, overcoming obstacles of doubt and disbelief at every corner. And now, the application is submitted.
I won’t hear from the school until mid March, and so the waiting game begins. But regardless of the outcome, the journey in itself has challenged me, stretched me, and caused me to question and confirm my faith that if this is where I should go, the doors will be opened for me to walk through. I have done my part in seeing a dream come to life, now it’s the faith journey. For the result of the application, watch this space!