By the time anyone would know what was happening, it would be too late. I wondered what it would feel like, how long it would take, whether people would have to watch me die or whether I would simply disappear under the water and disappear from sight forever.
Thud, thud, thud. I could do it. I could do it right now! My parents were inside; they wouldn’t even know….until they couldn’t find me. I took a step onto the railing, and pulled my other foot up too. Looking out on the horizon, seeing nothing but water and sky stretched out before me for miles. Blue and grey. Like me.
I lifted my foot to the next railing. And the other one. Thud, thud, thud. My heart felt like it was going to explode. For the first time in a long time I felt an emotion so unfamiliar I couldn’t quite place it at first…..I felt happy. Happy, that having lived through thirteen years, my pain would finally be over.
I wondered what would kill me, and whether it would hurt much. I was no stranger to pain; my arms were ribbons of angry marks, telling an outward story of my inner turmoil. Would I be sucked under the ferry, chopped up by the propellor blades? Was the water very cold, cold enough to kill me? Would I simply drown, perhaps having a moment of regret about my impulsive decision to throw my cares to the water? Struggling, spluttering, gasping for life and realising that I’d made my choice, and now it was too late.
Thud, thud, thud. My foot reached the third railing, and the balance of my weight was tipping forward. Just a few more steps left to take on my journey to death.
I wondered if anyone would care, after the initial shock of losing me. I wondered whether they’d say it was an accident, a kid playing on the railings, tragically falling to her death. Or admit the truth they’ve been hiding from for so long: I was not well, I did not want to be here any more, I wanted to die.
I lifted my other foot.
The sounds around me quietened, a hopeful storm raged inside me, I was going to be free. I took my foot off the railing, my hands clutched tightly to the side. You do this, there’s no coming back from it. I understand. I’m ready, please, let me go. I let go of one hand, about to hurl myself over.
“Careful love, you could fall, don’t climb on the railings, it’s dangerous.” – And just like that, he plucked me off, like I weighed nothing, like I was lighter than feathers, like the weightlessness of my soul, and I realised I would have to endure at least another day more of agony.